It’s so easy to think about what I would do if I won a million dollars. Try it. Think about that right now. I bet lots of things are coming to mind. I’ll list off a few myself: I’d pay off all of mine and Keoni’s student loans, pay off other debts, travel around doing random acts of kindness, buy a modest house with a beautiful yard for family memories, get Keoni an 86, and help my dad retire. Those are the first things that I think about and I think about those often. These are things that are likely to happen even if I don’t win a chunk of money, it will just take much more time. And doing these things would add to the wonderfulness of my life. They really would. Financial freedom seems like it is a really fantastic stress reliever and those student loans haunt me. Spreading kindness is the only high I want to have in my life. Getting Keoni his dream car would make me the equivalent of a superhero to him or maybe even as awesome as his favorite character from Initial D, and I like to pretend I am a superhero with my little love, so it is kinda fitting. My dad being able to retire and enjoy life with his companion would be wonderful, even if they do just stay in their little cozy town instead of traveling the world. I’d sure love for him to be able to throw his alarm clock away.
Being me, I like to take things a bit deeper and I started to think about what is it that money couldn’t buy me that I know would increase my happiness and awesome life factor? And I know that this thing will only happen if I make it happen. That means I need to do some work. I thought about time and spending more of it with my family. But I knew that was not the entire answer. So I dug a bit deeper and then it hit me – smack dab in the middle of my forehead. I need to release this shell I have put around me. Now, I had some obstacles in my childhood (I am not alone in this – we all go through something), yet I always remained positive and just knew I was going through all of this crazy stuff for my purpose, and that was fine. I saw good everywhere. Yet, back in 2010, I started to get some blows, including to my “ego” (collateral damage) that really started to make me question my worth, the value I provide, my likeableness, and it started to cloud my goodness lens – I started to see a little more of the negatives in the world. It seemed like every year I would get hit a bit harder. Sometimes hit so emotionally hard it would knock the wind out of me and I would stagger a bit as I got back on my feet, yet I do always get back up on my feet. It seems as though these blows were hitting me differently than I had experienced before and they were changing me, taking my beautiful balance and my relentless optimism, hardening me.
I do not like this. I strive to be love. Love is not hardened. Yet, how silly of me to think I needed to be the same as I was before the battles. My missing thing that would bring more happiness that money cannot buy is spending more time with those I care about WITHOUT that big wall I have put up to “protect” myself from being emotionally injured any further. Now, as I reflect, I discover, that I can release the shell and wall yet, still set boundaries when needed. The hardened shell behind a wall is not protecting me from emotional injury, it is hiding me from receiving and giving love. And that means it is time to let it go…
What is missing from your life that money cannot buy?